I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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