now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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