My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
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