Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
