Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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