You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
