man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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