She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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