my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
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