It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
