my soul wont recognize me after tonight
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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