My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Randomize
