Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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