I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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