Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
