I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
She's not a foreskin expert like you
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
