areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
