shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
