Do you think red sox nation has an official powerpoint template/memo format for resignations of manny support, bandwagon applications, and other official business?
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize