Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
