Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize