I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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