I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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