i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
