Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
