u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
