Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
