Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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