Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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