I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
