He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
