It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
