you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
