my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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