If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
