Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
