god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
