Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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