The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
i want to swaddle you in tequila
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
