So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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