i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
