and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize