my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Randomize