I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
