And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
