An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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