it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
