Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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