Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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