Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
