i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
