Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize