The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
