Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
