It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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