I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
where does the pee come out of this thing
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
