we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
