My sheets look like a crime scene.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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