textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
