Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize