Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
